It’s raining in Göteborg! I’m wrapped in a fluffy blanket and writing. I am having coffee again ( did I become an addict? 🙁 ) and doing some computer work and study.
I loved this morning’s practice. 2h15min. Starting at 6:30 AM, finish 8:45. wonderful practice! I practiced with awareness and no expectations what so ever. My mind was calm and focused. Ujjayi breath flowing and really deep. I stop thinking and over analyzing my postures. Almost total awareness. I was present in my body and breath. I let the breath leading me to the next posture and not my anatomical knowledge. Nothing forceful. No need to push anything. I believe I start doing more yoga and less thinking on the mat. Peaceful mind. Moving meditation. It’s beautiful! 🙂
Something is changing inside me. After a period of 2,5 difficult years I finally find my balance again, but it’s not like it used to be but better.
Few weeks ago while organizing my closet I saw my father’s sweaters on the shelf. The’ve been there for more than 2 years without me daring to touch them. My mom gave them to me thinking I would like to have something that belonged to him and could remind me of him. Indeed I wanted, but I don’t know why I didn’t dare to touch them during this time after he passed away. Not talking about wearing them. I couldn’t touch them. I would see them almost every time I opened the closed, but something inside me didn’t let me touch them. I couldn’t.
A friend of mine also lost her dad recently and she posted a picture on Instagram where she was wearing his jacket. After seeing that picture, something inside me was told me to go open that door, take out his sweater and put it on. Which I did. For the first time after he passed away I dared to touch his sweater. I hugged it really tight and I smelled it. Somehow it still smells like him. It smells like nostalgia…
I put it on. Looked myself in the mirror. I was crying. And felt a deep sense of peace for the first time after he passed away.
They say the moment you can talk about something or someone without crying, it means you healed. I did not heal yet, but I’m walking the path of healing. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I’m not. Sometimes I just smile and think of him. What a beautiful man he was! He’s been my first role model, the one who taught me to be honest, brave, hard working, try to be a good person whatever the situation and never give up. I owe him the person I am today. Words are not enough to express what a wonderful man and father he was. As a father, he would do anything to see me and my sister happy. He would sacrifice anything for us. And I was probably too blind to see how big his heart really was…Children can be so ignorant sometimes…
I must confess I still look with big open eyes when I see people older than me still having a father on this earth. For a moment I still wish I could be hugged and cuddled by him like I used to be.
But I am still his little girl. I know that! I will always be!
And there is change in me. I feel it. I am making progress towards understanding more, forgiving myself and others, accepting what cannot be changed and just be a better human being.
*Below is a beautiful song my husband sent to me before I moved to Sweden. My dad was still alive at that time. The song is in Swedish and the lyrics are beautiful and sad in the same time. It gave me shivers. I couldn’t guess it will become the song that would remind me so much of him…I couldn’t guess he will leave so soon and all of a sudden. I couldn’t guess I will change so much…I would fall from the clouds where I used to float (as my friend Claudia was saying) and become a person with feet grounded on the earth.
Iti multumesc tati!! Te iubesc! Asa de mult, te iubesc!
©Unfold Your Mat 2016
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