The day my life changed forever

It was 8th of March 2014. My first 3 weeks in Gothenburg. I was feeling the highest joy ever finally being re-united with my husband after few years of long-distance. Suddenly this joy changes in to the biggest pain I’ve ever experienced when I get a call from home telling me that my dad passed away.

8 days before his 70th birthday.

He always used to say 70 is a crossroad, you either don’t get there or you pass 70 and live a long life.

My world broke in to pieces. My life changed forever. I felt I’ll never be the same anymore.

Our hearts sung the same song and suddenly I was left alone.

I took the next flight home scared and in pain. Something inside me wanted to find another reason to escape the reality and say “this is not true”.

What followed it was a year of not being myself. I fall from the clouds where I was floating in to a place which was sad and wondered if I’ll ever be able to laugh from all my heart again.

I experienced a cocktail of all sorts of emotions going from pain to self-pity to anger to nostalgia to pain again. I’d cry in most unexpected moments and places. I felt it’s unfair. I started to blame people for being selfish and having children late in life. Because then some day you might suddenly disappear and leave them alone too soon.

A year in which I felt incredibly lonely and weak. Nobody could comfort me and soothe my pain. And that was something I wished the most for. I wished someone understood, felt my pain and just gave me a warm hug.

But nobody understood and totally empathized.

Some tried, but didn’t manage. Others simply didn’t care since it was not their pain.

It was the first time in my life when words would not help. What I wanted was a good honest friend. Not finding comfort in the company of other people brought me to the point of understanding this is a path one needs to walk alone. Nobody can be there for you because it is your journey.

Sooner or later we’ll all have to walk this path. Sooner or later we’ll all be in our parents place.

It’s a journey of accepting we are here only temporary. We can’t be certain of what follows next, but as long as we are here alive, we should remind ourselves more often to be loving and caring. We should love more because everything can change in a second.

“Life is fleeting.” Robin Williams

© Unfold Your Mat 2017

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