There is a scream inside. The scream of not being heard. Not being understood. Misunderstood. Alone. Hope. Joy. Excitement. Losing hope. Feeling alone. Abandoned. Misfit. Wanting to share my heart. But they don’t see. Eyes perceive. Hearts are blind and frozen. Not wanting anymore. Hurt. You close the heart. Because it hurts.
And you fight with yourself. You fight with the world out there.
You want to belong. But you do not find your place anymore. You don’t know what that means anymore. And the separation hurts.
Until you eventually come home and understand. There is NO separation. Everything is the same. Everything is ONE.
Fall 2009 – I packed a small suitcase mostly of summer clothes. Tears in my eyes. Smile on my lips. Excitement. Pain and joy. Fear of the unknown.
This is how the adventure started. And it hasn’t stopped ever since (yet).
8 years and 4 different countries later.
I don’t know where I belong . It is good and bad the same time.
Through living abroad I started to understand there is no division. Everything is One. There is just an illusion of being different. When we lose touch with who we really are, we start to create borders between our heart and the hearts of those around us. It is the fear that does that. Not you.
I lost the attachment to a specific culture or country. It is good. And it is bad.
There are so many of us out there that might feel the same. You might be reading this right now and feel I am describing your thoughts, the thoughts you’ve been having for so many times but had no courage to share them with someone. You felt nobody cares. Nobody listens. Nobody understands.
In a world where we mostly care about ordinary tasks, your search for meaning and adventure are an unknown territory for those that maybe once understood.
2017 has been a year full of reflections and pain. The pain of becoming more awake than I’ve ever been till now. And this process doesn’t come cheap. It has consequences. It comes with tears and struggles.
And I so badly wanted to share all the amazing things and AHA moments I’ve been experiencing lately. I struggled to find people that could understand me without judging based on their perceptions. And I started to feel I will never be able to find those amazing people. Where are you? I’ve known friendship. Real friendship. And it’s hard not to want to reproduce that sincere feeling once more.
Is Sweden the place for me ?
Can you create connection in Sweden?
What is it hidden behind a casual fika and a polite “hej hej”?
Is Swedish society the place where I could maybe fit some day?
I don’t know.
Sometimes my heart feels at home. Sometimes I feel emptiness around me. I feel there is no pepper, no life, no place for my heart to sing its song.
I don’t know anymore…where I fit. And I want to find you – you that understands what I’m saying. You that are searching for meaning in life. You that works hard, have dreams, hopes for a better world, better society, you that want more from life that just having a good time and live like you will never die.
Where are you?
So I started writing. Because through writing I feel I understand more. And I hope that you that have similar feelings hear me too. You are not alone. I want you to understand that. And please don’t close your heart. Keep blossoming! Live your dreams. Make your community. Find people that sing the same song as you do. It is important to have them around you. If you search for meaning in life, keep searching! Don’t give up no matter how sad and disappointed you feel sometimes. Those that will understand will find their way to you some day.
Last week, I personally understood once more that we are not alone. More than 5854 people from all continents resonated with some of my feelings and thoughts. There is a big world out there. Despite the borders, different languages that we speak, different cultural habits, we are One. We have similar thoughts, feelings. We all want to be heard. To feel the other person in front of us understands us and supports us.
You are not alone. Search for the people that sing your song. That understand you. And motivate you to keep on growing. And learning. Do not give up! Believe in goodness. And goodness will follow. There is at least one other person in this world that feels exactly the same as you.
Find that person. And share your hopes, your dreams with her. Grow stronger together! Inspire each other! The world will benefit much more from unity and harmony than from separation.
From my heart to yours,
Lavinia
© Unfold Your Mat 2017