I’ve been mourning my dad for more than 3 years

I felt his presence two days ago while doing a yoga nidra at home. I was lying down on the floor with my face up towards the ceiling when I felt someone stands next to my mat and looks at me. When I got really scared, I opened my eyes to check if it’s something there. I couldn’t see the face clearly, but something made me think of him.

Is something changing? Am I entering another chapter of releasing all those emotions of deep sorrow that tormented me since March 2014 when he entered another world? A world which is a mystery for most of us common people. A world where I cannot see him or hear him or interact with him anymore.

I’ve been talking about him with 3 different people in the past week. It’s been a surprise for me. Because I stopped doing that in the last year or so. There are days when I no longer think about him. Many consecutive days when I don’t think about him. But then I was talking with Carolina about him and I started crying. These were different tears. Tears of healing. Tears of accepting. Tears of moving forward while still keeping his memory, teachings and love present in my life.

When he passed away I no longer knew who I was.

I spent the first year crying in most unexpected places, in front of strangers, making people feel uncomfortable because I was allowing myself to be seen so vulnerable. I was sad, the saddest I have ever been in my entire human existence. I felt alone. The first time I felt someone understands was when out of the blue I meet Simo in Oslo center. I look into her eyes and she hugs me. She also lost her dad back in university when we were roommates. At that time I was a poor ignorant 20 years old who did not know how to give comfort and be there.

I thought about her and her loss many times only after my dad past away. And I so desperately wanted for someone to care and understand. I even stopped believing there is some real compassion in this world.

The second year after he passed away, I felt I can no longer express my emotions like I used to do. I used to be a crying baby. Very sensitive. Very weak. All of a sudden I could not cry anymore. Something has changed.

And then 2017 came. And through my commitment to daily Ashtanga the pain started to show up on the surface. I would cry in the middle of practice, out of the blue, when his smiling face showed up in front of my eyes. I spent the last 8 months in terrible pain experiencing the powerful method of a dedicated yoga practice. I’ve been terribly uncomfortable. In pain. Wanting to give up.

I was angry. Frustrated.

I realized what a mess I have in my mind.

I never before seen it so clearly – the monkey mind. The chatter would not stop during my self-practice. I was alone on a yoga mat surrounded by strangers.

But I made a commitment to myself that I am going to go through hell and allow this experience to show me who I am in my deep heart, to see my mind patterns, to get it all out and learn how to be kind with myself and heal.

I miss him!! Words cannot describe what a special soul he was.  I have never met a more dedicated, responsible, selfless person in my entire life. My dad was a special man. He was a good man. So strong mentally. So calm even in the strongest storms. An example of what it means to remain calm and committed when everything else is shaking around you.  He never practiced any asanas in his entire life, but for me he was an example of a true yogi. He was doing what it was right to do without anyone telling him to do so.

Dear reader,

If you still have your loved ones around you, please go and hug them in that pure and honest way that make two hearts to connect. Tell them that you love them. Be kind. Forgive the past, forget the pain. Forgive them for their mistakes. And forgive yourself. Nobody is perfect. We are all doing our best. Be happy of whatever lesson you got from them.  They aren’t gonna be there forever. Forgive what you have to. It’s much better for everyone. There is going to come a day when they aren’t gonna be around you anymore. And it’s better if that day finds you in peace with the past.

And if you don’t have a parent anymore or both of them, I feel you my darling. I so feel you. Allow yourself to go through the pain. Pain is a great teacher. Learn from this experience. And don’t let anyone tell you what you should and shouldn’t do and experience. This is such a personal journey. Nobody knows what is best for you. It’s part of your story. Give yourself time to heal. Don’t try to suppress your emotions and the pain. Let it go out. And don’t expect anyone to understand. They might want to, but maybe they cannot. Empathy is hard on most people. And even those that have it might have a hard time in saying the right words or doing the right thing, because this is a different situation and different people involved. You are the only one who can go through this journey. It is part of your maturity process into understanding the essence of life itself.

Be kind and allow yourself to be sad. There is nothing wrong in being sad. Don’t try to escape it. Heal in your own pace.

Much love to you,

Lavinia 

© Unfold Your Mat 2017

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